Oh snap! This is great! I'm writing a poem right now for a few different prompts too, so I'm going to put both of ours on the next Lit List as examples of what can be done. Is that ok? This is great! I can't tell you how delighted I am to see this. If you know of anyone else who's doing the same thing, let me know and I'll feature their work to.

In other business, my poem will also be for the "Bones" competition. Good luck! I hope we both place.

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Glad you like it! Of course you can put it in the Lit List. And good luck in the competition I look forward to reading your poem.

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When life gives you lemons, write about it.
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Thanks!

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Want to know what's happening in the lit community? Check out The Lit List for all the latest contests, prompts, and more! updated weekly

I really like this, even though it gives me the creeps. The beginning of the second stanza, in particular, is beautifully morbid: "I would save the biggest crumb for someone right." I also like the comparison to out-of-date newspapers, which is weird in just the right way for this poem. I was slightly confused at the beginning by "I doubt their bones walked away" – it seems like there should be a period there instead of a comma, and I feel like the idea of walking bones doesn't quite fit there, or isn't well explained enough, or something like that.
Overall, though, great piece, and good luck in your various contests

tres creepy.

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what we choose is never what we really need


*VampireWriters|=PoetryPlease|*Writers-Workshop|=ScribeSanctuary

_{Thanks for entering, good luck!}

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_{Oh why oh why do girls alway cry when you tell them they're past their sell-by?}

I can’t seem to dig that deep into the piece because I’m not particularly engaged. I like the sporadic use of rhyme as well as some of the word play – specifically, “Should I go on? On I go.” However, I find the poignancy of the bones and the road hard to breach and attach to the persona. Also, there feels like there is a lot of hypotaxic fluff that could be cut without adversely affecting sense of sound.

The tone of the piece is matter-of-fact while still trying to derive a longing/desire out of the descriptions. There is a sense of not wanting to see the bones, or regretting having to drive by them every day irrespective of the thoughts they reveal to the persona. The lack of emotion in the lines and the heavy description leads me to a distant view of the bones rather than a personal one, which affects the persona.

The tone leading up to the final stanza feels flat in comparison to the sentiment and at the end. It makes me wonder how much of the previous two stanzas is needed to establish the last one. What’s the minimum amount of explanation and description needed to arrive at the same sentiment/conclusion? This occurred to me because a lot of the lines don’t appear poetically strong and the prosaic style lulls me into reading passively. By the time I get to the end, I feel shortchanged of the full epiphany the character arrives at.

Here as some last thoughts:

What road do we start on? Why is it referred to as this when the road for comparison is given a full name?

What does two deer dead by the road that look like they were hit on the same day look like? Are they decaying at the same rate, or are the fresh? I don’t see the image.

“I drive here” seems improperly phrased given the context. The persona drives to this road as a destination is what I understand the line reading as when I expect it to mean something like the persona drives along this road driving to somewhere else.

In the third stanza, “allowed the grow a bit of slime” is grammatically incorrect. Do you mean allowed to grow or allowed the growth of?

Lastly, the “we” in the line right after that throws me off. Where did the plural come from? Who are the multiple characters?

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~D

I got rid of the "And I doubt their bones walked away" part - is that better?

--
When life gives you lemons, write about it.
~~
Is there a deviation in your or a friend's gallery that you have reason to believe I'll like? Tell me!
~~
I am a proud staff member of *WordCount. Check it out!

Yeah, I think it reads better now. You could probably still work that idea in, if you're really attached to it, maybe by drawing the comparison to the speaker walking down the road, but I like it the way it is now too.