Yours again someday

Love is an odd thing.  It comes and goes, but once it's come and gone it's always at risk of coming again, and once it's gone and come it's always at risk of going again.  Love is like a disease that never really leaves your body, but it's recovering from the disease - falling out of love - that hurts.  Some people say that love never dies, and maybe that's true, but it has no problem slipping into a coma sometimes.

I finally managed to get mine in a coma.  I had to beat it senseless, tell it that it had no right being there.  You think that I never loved you, but I did.  I loved you so much that it hurt, especially when I realized I couldn't love you and keep being myself.  We were too different, in ways that never mattered to you, and mattered too much to me.

So I used the words 'It wouldn't work' to justify leaving you behind, and I stopped loving you.  Just like that, only it wasn't just like that.  You weren't very easy to get out of my mind.  I struggled with it for a long time, trying to forget you, trying to forget myself... trying to forget the possibility of us.  I never forgot, but I moved past it.  I ignored it, but you can't ignore anything forever.

Someday I'll start loving you again.  I promise.  Someday those differences won't matter anymore and I'll stop ignoring the reality of our love.  I imagine that I'll be lying somewhere, alone, knowing that I'm dying, and  I'll be terrified - but then I'll think of you, and my love for you will come out of its coma and stay with me until the end.  And loving you, I will die at ease; not with regrets, but simply with love.